I started writing this back in July after I had lost my job and was still living with my ex boyfriend - I am in a much better place now mentally (and physically) but I still wanted to post this piece.
I went to a job interview. I didn’t get the job but on my journey of finally leaving my flat for the first time in a week I did pick up a book called “I want to die but I want to eat Tteokpokki” by Baek Sehee. She starts her book off by talking about another that she had read and how the first passage made her cry; her book did the same to me. I was looking for some form of sign. I didn’t care what the sign was or what it was telling me to do but I was so stuck in an endless loop of bad luck mixed with that crippling depression that makes breathing difficult. I just needed something, literally anything that would trigger a coherent thought in my mind.
Whilst I have always enjoyed writing, I never put it anywhere for somebody to read. Writing down my thoughts is a good way of expressing how I felt because trying to explain it out loud to a therapist or my parents was always too difficult. I end up jumbling up the words, not making any sense; struggling to find a way of expressing to somebody what is going on in my mind without getting locked away is positively one of the most difficult things I have had to do. But after finding Sehee’s book and realising that there’s an audience of people who willingly wanting to read about this particular subject sparked that coherent thought I was looking for. Whilst I am struggling with unemployment, grief, plus a load of other interesting feelings I don't quite understand why not take this opportunity to get my side of the conversation out there? It's better than sitting at my Xbox all day, crying over another “on this occasion you have been unsuccessful” email so why not? I am not looking for sympathy or judgement throughout this jumbled post - I am especially not looking for comparisons of “my life's worse than yours” but just wanting to express who I am as well as how I deal.
I have Bipolar disorder. Or at least that's what the doctors have been saying for two years now but before that I had been diagnosed with EUPD; also depression, anxiety, a bad time and “oh it's just puberty” being the very first. My emotions were never taken seriously by any medical professions at the beginning, even when I attempted to take my own life (which I am now glad I failed at). Family members and friends were’t sure what to do with me, they didn't quite understand why I was acting the way I was. People in school saying it was because I was alternative, blaming bands like My chemical romance for my brooding ways. Other members would assume “Shes just looking for attention” or even sometimes it was my period's fault; I'm being dramatic. Now I can be smug about it, “HA! Told you so, I’m mentally ill. Got the certificate to prove it”. As a child I hadn’t had enough trauma to be given any titles because “people have it worse off than you” - I still wish that was the case. That I hadn’t gone through the lost, pain and heartbreak that was the last few years of my life but I can officially say to doctors “is this enough trauma for you now? Have I earned my diagnosis yet?”. I don’t want this life but I have come to terms with it, that this is how my brain is wired and the way I think, how I act is different. That they’ll never understand it, but coming to terms with my diagnosis hasn’t been easy, it’s taken years of my life to accept I will be on medication for the rest of my life, how I will always be on some form of waiting list to see another doctor. But silver linings at least now I can joke about, if bipolar has given me anything at least I have a sense of humour and more knowledge of a second year mental health nurse. I almost gave up a few times with trying to find out what was different about me. Completely avoiding a diagnosis, decided I was fine as too many times I went to a doctor and they just shoved pills in my face but never gave me a clear answer as to what was wrong with me. I completely gave up with getting answers, but I couldn’t avoid the inevitable, I was always going to have a bad episode where I could no longer ignore my feelings and had to accept the help, “just be happier” “do something you love doing! That’ll cheer you up” “have you tried going for a walk? had a relaxing bubble bath?”
As a teenager I self-harmed a lot, I couldn't tell you why I did it, what it brought to me or how it made me feel as it was so long ago, but I remember the disappointment in my mother's eyes when she found out. The second time I was caught it was just anger. We were going to a family party that night, again I don't remember who, what or where all I remember is being so determined I had to find a nice dress with sleeves. My mum caught on and pulled up my top and screamed at me in the street, there wasn’t any care in that moment just shame. My scars have pretty much all gone now and the ones that stayed have been covered with art, but I still know they are there. I don’t have regrets; at the time this helped me get through the feelings I was having. I knew I was going to get caught, there was no way I was going to live in my childhood home without somebody noticing the marks on my body and the sadness in my eyes, but I still did it multiple times over the course of years. The older I got the different ways I would self-harm. Drinking was a big part of this, starting from as early as 14 I would drown my sorrows in Glenns vodka but as I have gotten older again, wiser even, the only thing that has changed is my taste in booze. Instead of crying into frosty jacks' cider on a field I now partake in a nice bottle (or four) of rose wine or 7 margaritas made with the fancy stuff.
I cannot speak for every single person that has bipolar as I believe it's a spectrum just like many other illnesses. Each person has different lives causing different waves which feel very different for everyone. It can be more manic for one person and more depressed for the other. It can be one or two traits or in my case a mixture of every trait from the Venn diagram of personality disorders. It is a crushing weight some days as though I am trapped in my bedroom with a million rocks on my chest causing me to physically be unable to move as I watch the walls slowly moving inwards suffocating me. Unable to think due to the black clouds filling my head, the utter despair along with the pure hatred for myself but then the next day its like I am the king of the world. Feeling as I'm one of those toys from our childhood where you pull out the wire from the back and it zipped around the room, as though I have injected pure caffeine into my blood stream and blinking isn’t an option. Bipolar isn’t just the ups and downs though and mood swings aren’t the only symptom. Many people don’t realise under the surface there's more to it. We also struggle with symptoms that are often the subject of other illness; I have traits similar to that of ADHD where I struggle focusing; forgetfulness plays a large part in my own bipolar journey with small mistakes such as not remember where I left my purse to full on black outs where I have lost chunks of memories. I also have traits of OCD; I have horrible intrusive thoughts and to quote the great Kylie – I just can't get it out of my head. I can have intense obsessions, unprovoked fears as well as always seeking reassurance from people. EUCP traits as I believe everyone in my life is going to abandon me, sometimes I even self-sabotage to make the process faster, they're going to leave anyway so why not give them the push to finally go? I have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships, issues with my identity not really knowing who I am or what I even look like.
When I am down, I am so down. I am basically at the core of the earth; cannot get any lower. I lose all interest in everything I love, even the people most dear to me. I have trouble concentrating, making decisions as though my brain needs a hard reset because nothing is computing. But when I am up I am on cloud nine, invincible. I make rash decisions that will hurt me the second I crash land; say things to people I don’t mean. There are more hours in the day when I’m up, I can complete any task given to me in lighting speed, who needs sleep when you're basically a god? But what most people assume is the reality of bipolar from what they have seen in films and TV is that they are the two emotions we have. It's not as linear. I could be depressed for months, have a few days of hypomania then crash instantly back to depression. I could be fine for months, have complete control of my emotions and be a functioning member of society, then boom. Crash out.
It isn’t just sadness vs overwhelming happiness either. I struggle with a majority of emotions. Anger is one of the worst personally. I do not wish to be as irritable, as cruel as I can be on bad days, but I cannot help it. The anger that I struggle with isn’t like the bad moods or upset the regular person has, its unpredictable. It is out of proportion and consumes me. I have no control and just see red, like a fire is burning within me needing to explode. But the days after I have had an episode I can black out, remember nothing that I have done or said; having the people close to me describe what I have been like, how I have hurt them; how I have to deal with the consequences. It is not just mood swings but as though my whole personality changes in an instant; I become somebody I am not. But these feelings aren’t just come and go, it isn’t always as black and white as I’m either really happy or I’m really sad; we can have mixed episodes where I am both depressed but also manic at the same time, a rapid cycle where I can’t even keep up with myself never mind seeking help. For me personally mixed episodes are the most dangerous because I have all the feelings of a high where I am invincible and partaking in high risk activates but the difference is I am also depressed so I don’t care about the consciences. It's as if I am being pulled from each side, a painful and confusing game of tug of war from my heart; I want to jump for the adrenaline hoping I’ll crash and burn. When I am in a mixed episode it is a jumble of every feeling; I am not sleeping with my insomnia but then I somehow sleep too much, I am so hyper and excited whilst also sobbing unconsolably; I am angry, so very very angry but also filled with so much love for the people around me.
Now I say all these things and express what it is like, the feelings sound so intense so when people say, “well how do you live like that?” the answer is - I have no other choice. I had somebody in the health profession look me dead in the eyes and say “well, why haven’t you killed yourself” and it took me back because well why haven’t I? Every day I wake up not knowing how I'm going to be. Am I going to wake up trapped in my endless void again with no hope, no feelings but dread or am I going to wake up not knowing who I am? Am I going to wake up completely numb and mute, with no thoughts behind the eyes and walk around like a robot? I don’t know.
I have yearned for a manic episode before. After a bad depression episode, I have found myself hoping for that hypomania, some high to try and sort out the depression mess but then I fly too close to the sun and end up back in trouble. Occasionally I miss particular episodes, yes, they can be dangerous but also there's a shaded comfort in a way. I put myself in situations that will bite me on the arse when I wake up, I make friends with the wrong people and cause more damage, reverse my healing back months. But she’s just liked a toxic friend or the horrible ex you always crawl back too, you know it's going to end badly but you miss them either way. Knowing it's going to be the same as always and nothing has changed but it's what I know.
Icarus is a good example of a bipolar episode. When manic; even though what I am doing is dangerous, told not to do it I still fly too close to the sun, then I burn up and crash but If I get too low the weight of my wings drag me down lower and I drown.
When I am stable, I am constantly looking over my shoulder for the next episode. I have had moments in my life where I have been stable for months and thought wow, I have finally cracked the code, I am sane and normal. Spoilers, I am not sane - I am not ‘normal’. There are times where I have a regular emotion such as anger or upset where I have questioned whether it is a real feeling or I'm slowing slipping back into the unknown, it is scary to live your life this way but unfortunately I must or I wont be living at all. Although I love the days I am stable when I get to know who I really am I know it's only for a short time until I fall into my old ways again. Stability is hard to come by in this life, there's always something dragging me down but I am still an optimist, I am still filled with love and hope and I know I deserve a happy ending.
I wrote that 7 months ago back in the deep pit of a depression episode. Pouring my heart out into a word document but now here I am, posting it for whoever to read. Does it make sense? I don't know but I enjoyed getting it out at the time and I am enjoying editing it down now and posting it onto a little blog.
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